“One of us is going to die first,” she said as she stared sideways at the wall, wrapped in a quilt of faded blues and milky whites, as if to shelter herself from the reality of her declaration like a kid hiding from the night. Her head was on the pillow, but her brain wasn’t tired.
“Weird,” I responded as I tried to pull myself from the bills to be paid to depths of her soul. Mental gear shifting is an attribute of every woman and every married man who knows what’s good for him.
“Actually we should die at the same time. That’d be cool,” she said as her voice trailed off and left me thinking.
What if I lose her? “This world is passing away” none the less. The “appointed time” of my life “has grown very short.”
So what will I do? Will I live my life with Lauren to raise a glass to my expectations? I walked into marriage with a bag full of those and threw them on her side of the bed. Expectations are just my selfishness imposing itself on reality, are they not? And we create expectations for everything we want. We have expectations for our wedding, for our first home, for our budget, for our sex lives. We are constantly trying to run ahead of our footsteps to design our own happiness.
But what is the alternative? I am realizing that my marriage needs to be handled with craftsmanship rather than just passion. Passion is my soul wanting and wanting and feeling and feeling. My wife needs that. But she also needs me to take a class on her. She needs me to study her, learn her needs, and practice different methods of loving her well as the moments carve opportunities. I need to see Lauren Now, not just Lauren Future. For my version of Lauren Future is shaped by my expectations and selfishness, not by God’s sovereignty. This is a right view of reality.
“Already I have all I want! Already I have become rich!” She has come along beside me and the rest is unexpected.
-Zac Harrison, Free Fugitive